Snape's Funeral
by Lily of the Shadow
Summary: Hilarious. Flat out hilarious. I wrote this for the Fiction Exam on Scribbling Quill, and it was popular enough i decided to post it here. PG for Snape rising from the dead and setting his hair on fire.


This was for a fiction exam on Scribbling Quill, I decided to post it here. It's set at a funeral, and you had to mention a former professor, a rubber duck/chicken and a bathtub among other things. SO here it is:  
  
Snape's Funeral.  
  
~~ A tall, red-headed young man stepped up to an oak podium, his face somber as he glanced bout the faces of those assembled on Hogwarts grounds for the funeral of Severus Snape.  
  
"Ladies and gentleworms..." a few chuckles.  
  
"Alright, alright. I'll cut to the chase. Snape was by no means my favorite professor. In fact, I'm almost glad he died. He wasn't the nicest person. Deatheater, mean, biased professor, greasy-haired git.... hang on, Professor Dumbledore, remind me again why I agreed to say a few words?" A few laughs as Professor Dumbledore stood.  
  
"Mr. Weasley, I never asked you to do this," Albus said with a smile. "I Believe it was Harry." Dumbledore sat down. Ron rolled his eyes.  
  
"You know, Harry, you come up and say something!" Rom stomped off the stage. Harry came up and took his place at the podium.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, although Snivillus *cough* forgive me, Before Severus Snape was ever a mean Potions master, or even a Death eater, he was a great kid. Unfortunately, noone here remembers that time, so we'll skip ahead to his years as a professor. He always seemed to hate me-"  
  
"HE DID NOT HATE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT MR POTTER!" Hermione Granger yelled at him from the front row.  
  
"Alright, then. He never liked me all that much. Although he was-"Harry's voice became very sarcastic-"Wise, benevolent, magnanimous, etc.." He returned to normal speech, "Snape was always good for a laugh. Hey Ron! Remember that one time we gave him one of Fred and George's fake wands! When he picked it up, it turned into a rubber duck and he dropped it into the potion, and the potion exploded!"  
  
"That was awesome! I wish I could relive that.." Ron sighed, a peaceful smile on his face.  
  
"Oh, erm, back to the subject. Snape was unique. One in a million. Noone could ever-" Harry then began choking on his laughter, "match----the greasiness---of his---hair!" Harry managed between laughs. The entire student body roared with laughter. Hary managed to stumble to his chair before being completely overcome. Hermione stood, surpressed giggles at her friends childishness and took her place at the podium.  
  
"For the third freaking time! Ladies and Gentlemen. We are gather to honor the passing of the great Potions Master, Professor Severus Snape. He died at a young 39 years old. If he had only washed his hair once in a while, maybe that horrible grease fire wouldn't have killed him." Snickers form the former students. "But that is now in the past, where we should keep our memories of him. Long may he live in out hearts and his spirit in McDonald's French Fry Grease." Hermione bowed her head low. "I would like him to be buried with one last remainder of human life." Hermione turned and put a bottle of shampoo on top of the ebony coffin. "And just so he doesn't lose it..." Hermione pulled out a pair of handcuffs and opened the coffin. Ignoring the frazzled and charred hair (his skin had been magically repaired), she attached the bottle of shampoo to one end of the cuffs and Snape's wrist to the other. Respectfully closing the coffin, she threw her hair in her face to hide giggles and left the stage.  
  
It was Athena's turn.  
  
"You don't know me. I am Athena Snape, last living Snape. Severus was my great-grandmother's brother's son's great uncle. Or something like that. I've known Severus since he was born. I was only five at the time, but I recall trying to clean grease-spots off the toys that he played with after Uncle Lenny took him home." There were more surpressed snickers from the audience. "But now that he had passed, I no longer had to worry. I will now dangle in his face and taunt his dead body with what I never let him touch!" Athena opened the coffin and produced a hot pink rubber chicken. "Severus always wanted to play with Pinky. I never let him!" She turned to face Severus. "HA HA! NOW LOOK AT YOU! YOU CAN'T TOUCH PINKY!! HE'LL NEVER BE SUBJECTED TO GREASE TORTURE!!! MAUAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!" Athena slammed the casket lid closed and ran off across the meadow. Her maniacal laugher faded into the distance as the gathered stared after her. They returned their attention to the front as one more person took the stand.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! Step right up and see- OH! Wrong place. Ahem. Friends, family, dearly beloved. We now must lay to rest one of the most prominent noses this school has ever seen." Laughter. "What? OH! Oops. I ment professors, not noses. Although that does remind me of a rather amusing poem-" Albus was once again cut off by a stern McGonagall. "Perhaps this isn't the time. Anyway, When I found Severus in the bathtub after he tried to douse the grease fire, I knew this school had come to the end of an era. No longer will the oversized bat stalk our hallways or darken out potions room again! REJOICE! Eh, I mean, I know what, deep down, we all feel is regret. Regret that we never set his hair fire sooner-I mean regret that we never truly appreciated him. So please, join me in a moment of silence to remember our dear Potions Professor."  
  
There was a stunned split second of silence. Then everyone erupted into laughter and cheers. A creaking suddenly stopped all noise. The casket was opening of it's own accord!  
  
"God, that hurts! Ohh, remind me never to play with matches. Hey, what am I doing outside??" Professor Snape asked, sitting fully upright.  
  
"AHHHH!!! HE'S ALIVEEE!!!!!" Everyone started to run from a bewildered Snape.  
  
"I'll finish him!" Harry jumped on top of the podium, and everyone froze to watch their hero. Harry knocked over the podium and it smashed into pieces. Picking up a pointy splinter he charged and drove it straight through Snape's heart. He looked up, confused a moment, before falling back dead.  
  
"Harry, it would have been easier to Avada Kedarva him. He's not a vampire you know." Hermione said, still staring at the coffin.  
  
"Yea, but how dramatic is that?" Harry Replied with a grin. 


End file.
